I could never hate him
by freakybanana
Summary: Hate is simply not an option when you've been given a gift. A precious gift that needs to be preserved. Originally meant to be a longer story, but I felt this scene worked much better on its own. Think of it as an episode ending (which for me is usually a source of excitement followed by frustration for ending too soon).


She had expected to return here at some point. There are certain places you can't avoid, and as she stopped to take a look around, Jane Rizzoli felt something she didn't expect. Relief. Not because an exhausting week had just ended, and certainly not because of the dark clouds presenting themselves in the distance, with promises of rain. Taking in the familiar surroundings she was relieved to find that the emotions these surroundings usually brought on were nowhere to be found.

As she picked up the pace again she felt the gravel succumb to the force of her boots, the sound crisp for now. She wanted to get this over with and stay dry. The dark clouds seemed to be approaching from all sides, and the predictability of it all felt comforting. She dug into her memory, trying to navigate towards the spot she never expected to return to. Never _wanted_ to return to. That thought alone made the guilt creep back into her consciousness.

Inadequacy. It can creep up on you when working a difficult case, especially when you're racing against the clock. When the dust settles there's always more you could have done. A lot of her brothers and sisters in blue have shared their thoughts on the double inadequacy experienced when you're suddenly allowed room to breathe. After being focused on one thing for so long, you are suddenly released from a force that is both within you and around you. You feel inadequate for the things that could have saved someone, you should take time to process, but out there is a world that went on without you - and so many other things you didn't see.

Feeling like this now shouldn't surprise her. This week a world outside of work hadn't existed, but as she came to realize just minutes ago she had been clueless as to what was going on with someone she swore to always protect.

-  
When she spotted the familiar mark, with an even more familiar body kneeling on the grass, she was conflicted. More than anything she wanted to run over there and do something - anything - to make those slumped shoulders return to their usual confident posture. The rest of her wanted to run in the opposite direction and wait in the car. She didn't feel deserving of even being here, imposing like this. Turning on her heel the gravel gave her away, and when she met her best friend's eyes in the briefest of moments - there was no more conflict. There were no emotions in those eyes, and even though she tried to fill hers with enough emotions for the both of them, the connection was broken even before it began.

She approached quietly, like someone approaching a scared child. Based on the amount of times she had done so in the past, she was confident that was what it must have looked like as well. Then it hit her. She was acting on pure instinct because what she saw, and what almost made her want to look away - was starting to look more like a scared child with each step.

"How did you find me?" Maura's voice was frail, but she was suddenly grateful she didn't have to initiate this conversation.

She watched her friend's eyes moving around, seemingly not knowing where to land. Instead of answering she approached and knelt down beside her. She stared at the name before her, like she would somehow be able to get used to seeing it there, engraved in cold stone. When she reached her right arm forward and gently lay her palm on top of the rough texture to remind herself it was simply an object and nothing more, she felt like she was imposing again. There was no way she would ever be able to fully understand this.

It was cold, but it would never be a simple object - for that it held too much pain. Keeping her palm where it was, she sought warmth with the other one by laying it gently on Maura's back. Both still.

"We were worried sick about you." Her mother would be so proud for not blaming this entirely on her.

"You didn't answer your phone, I called the station to see if maybe you had gone into work.." she trailed off as Maura suddenly looked up at her and interrupted.

"My phone... It's.. it's in the car. Oh Jane, I'm so sorry!" Maura cried.

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Or scream.

"No... no no no... don't you dare be sorry." Jane started moving her left palm in circular motion and felt the body underneath shake slightly before relaxing. Maura kept her head down, and shook her head repeatedly from side to side - as if trying to convince herself that Jane was right.

"I can't bring myself to hate him. Which is so... so... hard." She sniffled.

"You don't have to hate him Maura." was Jane's sudden reply. She gave one last pat to the stone in front of her and glanced over at her friend.

Maura watched the movement that felt just as comforting as the hand on her back. A gesture. Symbolic.

Suddenly Jane felt those eyes looking straight into hers. "Do you hate him?"

She didn't expect that, and the time it took her to contemplate was an answer in itself.

"I could never hate him." Maura gave her a puzzled expression, she didn't expect it either.

Jane dropped her gaze to the ground, and trailed her fingers over the grass in front of them, keeping her eyes focused on the motion.

"Paddy Doyle has done a lot of _bad_ things to a lot of _bad_ people, and hurt a lot of _good_ people in the process." She took a moment to appreciate that the ground beneath them was empty.

"He's hopefully going to get what's been coming for several decades, and give people who deserve it closure." Suddenly she felt exposed, open - vulnerable. Like she was giving up a part of her persona by not hating a man who had caused so much pain. Like she needed to run home and polish her badge. She looked up into Maura's curious eyes. Eyes that were glossed over by a pool of emotion threatening to fall. She swallowed.

"Out of all the things he's done, which are mostly bad - I know for sure he did _one_ thing right. One _very_ good, and very right thing." She smiled at the thought, and felt her throat tightening.

"Almost 37 years ago he decided to give the world something good. To do one utterly selfless and good thing." She held her palms up in front of Maura, and she didn't hesitate to meet them with her own.

"To keep you safe, to let you flourish and become this wonderful woman who the world just wouldn't be the same without." Tears were forming in her eyes now, and she had to clear her throat. She smiled at Maura, who smiled back despite tears running down both cheeks.

"I could never hate a man who did that." She dropped her gaze to their hands, waiting for Maura to say something.

Maura however, was too overwhelmed to say anything. She extracted her hands from Jane's grasp and pulled Jane into a bone crushing hug. After tensing up for a brief moment, Jane relaxed and put her hands around Maura and squeezed like her life depended on it. She felt her eyes let go of tears that now ran down her cheeks, but didn't have it in her to try to stop it.

Suddenly she felt Maura loosen her hold, whisper "Thank you" in her ear and pull back slowly. Their eyes met. Maura smiled. She went to search for something in the pocket of her blazer and came up with a tissue. Instead of wiping her eyes with it, she looked at Jane and held the tissue out in front of her. An offering.

"Here. You first."

Jane couldn't deny it. She felt lighter already. Accepting the tissue, she wiped under her eyes and held the tissue in front of her between two fingers - not knowing what to do with it. Maura reached forward and grabbed it with a light chuckle. She dabbed her eyes, contemplated blowing her nose, but ended up putting it back where she found it instead.

They looked at each other. Jane saw life starting to resurface is her best friend's eyes, and she couldn't help the smile that formed. For a split second it was like this last week never happened, but in the back of her head she knew that she should be thankful it did. If there was one thing Jane Rizzoli was certain of, it was that guilt and inadequacy was her truth serum.

-  
The next morning Jane set her alarm an hour early, drove to Maura's house to surprise her by offering to take her to the hospital. A part of her wished that Maura would soon find it in herself to ask for things like that - then she figured she shouldn't need to ask at all.

A part of her best friend was to be removed from her body and given to a half-sister that didn't want anything to do with said part - or it's whole for that matter. If the only thing Jane could do was make sure Maura was still whole enough to experience the day when her half-sister finally would see what she sees - it would be her gift to the world.

Not _entirely_ selfless, but still a gift.

-  
**Author's note**  
_I decided to give this another shot, and had this idea in my head that unfortunately turned out to be much more complicated than I anticipated (I found too many holes and story just kept growing with technicalities). I extracted what I believe to be the best scene - you will have to judge if it's able to stand on its own._

_Thank you for reading._


End file.
